Peace-making: Four Components in a Genuine Apology

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There are lots of ways to apologize. A sincere apology can go a long way toward restoring peace to a troubled relationship, but a half-hearted, poorly worded apology can make things much worse.

When people are too proud to apologize sincerely, an “apology” can sound more like an excuse or even an accusation. We’ve all heard the celebrity “apology” that is little more than a feeble attempt to do damage control on the public relations front. That kind of apology is filled with excuses, caveats, and blame-shifting.

We all know what it’s like to hear (or give) a bland, insincere “apology” that is nothing more than a feeble attempt at appeasement. People often use a variety of devices to shift blame and preserve their self-respect, but you cannot offer a genuine apology until you are willing to admit you are wrong.

A genuine, heartfelt apology has four components. The first two are principles, and the last two are questions.

1. Principle: A genuine apology should be as close to face to face as possible.

This is important because the one who has been offended needs to know that the one giving the apology is sincere, so body language is crucial. If I cannot apologize in person, I must get as close to face-to-face as I can: through video conferencing (awkward, but next best to in-person) or a phone call (where there is still some nonverbal communication).

A letter is the next best option, and it has the advantages of the ability to choose my words carefully; in addition, a letter allows the offended party to go back over the apology (all the more reason to choose my words carefully.) One thing I must never do is apologize by proxy: “Mike wants you to know how sorry he is.”

2. Principle: When I apologize, I must be specific about my wrongdoing.
 
My vanity makes me want to mix my apology with excuses, but the point of apologizing is that I assume complete responsibility for my wrongdoing. This is why a genuine apology is so difficult: it is humiliating for me to admit wrongdoing on the level of my character:

• “I was arrogant.”
• “I was insensitive”
• “I was thoughtless”

This also means that I must not attempt to share the blame. There is no “we were both wrong” in a genuine apology, not even “I was 90% in the wrong.” The language of blame sharing is little more than blame-shifting; it is a subtle form of accusation. My focus in my apology is my own wrongdoing. If my apology is sincere, I dare not suggest, even indirectly, that the offended person should also apologize.

3. Question: “Would you forgive me?”

This is a question, not a request (“I want you to forgive me.”) Granted, if the wounds are still fresh, it may be a while before the offended person can bring herself to forgive me. But by asking the question after I leave the last move to the one I have offended. I have done what I can to make peace.

4. Question: “How can I make this right?”

This question isn’t always appropriate. In some cases, there is nothing that can be done to make things right; in some cases, the damage cannot be repaired. But asking the question goes beyond asking for forgiveness and suggests a genuine desire to do whatever is necessary to restore and heal what is broken and wounded.

Peace-making isn’t an extra-credit option for Christ-followers; it is a matter of essential Christian discipleship.
 
Our Lord regarded reconciliation as a matter of great importance, even greater than worship. He said that if you have travelled all the way to Jerusalem to present your sacrifice at the Temple and there at the altar you remember that you offended someone back home and you never made it right, you should not prioritize worship over reconciliation; you should leave your sacrifice there at the altar and go back home to seek forgiveness, then return to make your sacrifice (Matt 5:23-24).

When I apologize in this way, I am following the teachings of Jesus: I am loving my neighbor as I love myself (Matt 22:34-40). I am doing for someone else what I would want him or her to do for me (Matt 7:12).

Persevere.
Paul Pyle
Pastor of Discipleship