Experimenting with Silence

I hesitate to be too candid about my own experiences in these pages. For one thing, I don’t want these posts to be about me. I want to train our eyes toward Jesus. But we do use these pages to think out loud about what it means to follow Jesus in our world, so it is worthwhile for me to give an account of my own struggles along the way to help other struggling pilgrims.

A few years ago, I set aside a day to be alone with God. My plan was to go to a local park for several hours. I took with me only a few resources: a journal, the Scripture, and a favorite devotional.

My three goals for the day:

1. To sit quietly with God for at least one hour (an attempt to clear my head and decompress)
2. To journal during the day, to provide a play-by-play account of what I did and how it went; I did this for two reasons: to focus my thoughts and energies and to have a record to reflect on later
3. To copy Scripture (John 15:1-11) onto notecards as an aid to memorization

When I got to the park, I sat down at a picnic bench to be in silence. I had determined, mostly out of curiosity, to keep track of all the thoughts that came to my mind during my period of silence. I wanted to know: just how bad is my spiritual/mental ADHD?

Here are some of the thoughts that came to my mind as I attempted to sit in silence and clear my head:

One of my favorite songs, the old spiritual “Give Me Jesus,” kept running through my head. (It could have been much worse. This is one of my favorite songs.)

I thought maybe I should take a hike. So, I began to walk. Here’s what I thought about while I was walking:

• I thought about how I should have brought a walking stick and that we have several at home.
• I thought about my friend Dave Rough, who hiked the entirety of the Appalachian Trail (averaging about 15 miles per day).
• I was glad I got past that woman with the fierce-looking dog, with whom I was careful not to make eye contact (neither the dog nor the woman).
• It’s warmer than I thought it was going to be.
• These flying insects are a nuisance.

After my walk, I wondered why I’m having so much difficulty settling my mind down. The discipline is in quieting the mind. My problem isn’t that I don’t know how to do that (what could be simpler?). It’s much worse than a lack of skill: I can’t even imagine myself doing that.

By 2:30, I was already back home. Too many distractions at the park (other people and the insects). Of my three goals, I was able to accomplish all three of them, more or less. I did journal, I did copy the Scripture, and I did spend an hour trying to settle my mind before God.

But settling my mind was – and still is – a great struggle.
 
This hasn’t always been so difficult.

I used to spend a day alone with God once or twice a year when I was a teacher. And I didn’t have so much trouble focusing my mind then. My mind is racing now much more than when I was younger. I didn’t have a smart phone or the internet then, so there’s that to consider…

Apparently, quieting my mind is going to take longer than one day.

This is not a confessional, nor is it an exhortation.

I am not seeking absolution, nor am I recommending that others pursue the same practice. I am only giving a frank account of how things went that day. On my day alone with God, I didn’t set out to get a better gauge on my limitations, but that’s what happened. That day I learned that I have a long way to go.

Fortunately, my Teacher, who usually speaks in “a still, small voice,” is wise and patient, and He is committed to helping me learn. He has promised to complete the work He started in me.

Persevere.