Leaning into My Weakness

Photo by Malachi Cowie on Unsplash

I have been listening to a podcast entitled “You’re Not Crazy.” Aimed at pastors, “You’re Not Crazy” is hosted by Ray Ortlund, a retired pastor, and Sam Allberry, who is currently a pastor.

One day I heard them say something that surprised me. They said that it is not uncommon for pastors to be very discouraged, ready to give up, especially on Mondays, the day after they expend so much spiritual and emotional energy in ministry. Mondays, they said, are when the self-doubt can sweep over a pastor and cause him to wonder if he’s even in the right line of work.

After almost nine years in the pastorate, I understand that kind of weariness.
 
You’re caring for people whose problems are often overwhelming, and you carry those burdens with them. The task of spiritual leadership sometimes seems impossible: the pastor must not only cultivate his own confidence in the promises of God for his own life and his own family, he must also encourage others when they are discouraged or grief-stricken or paralyzed by anxiety.

What surprised me from the podcast wasn’t that a pastor might feel that way from time to time. What surprised me is that it is so common for other pastors to feel so low that self-doubt began to creep in for them as well. What I heard them say in that podcast was that this double-edged awareness – of both my own personal limitations and the enormity of the task before me – is an occupational hazard of pastoral ministry.

Back when I was a teacher, I once came into the teacher’s lounge at the end of the day, and I saw a colleague sitting on the couch, leaning his head back in utter exhaustion. I knew that weariness. A teacher is herding cats all day, striving to persuade two dozen adolescents to focus on the same thing at the same time. I knew my friend had spent years in the pastorate before he joined our faculty, so I asked him which was more exhausting, teaching or the pastorate.

He didn’t hesitate. Pastoring is more exhausting. He explained that although the teacher’s work is intense, it comes in spurts, with rest in between. The day begins at 8:00, and when the bell rings at 3:00, you’re finished with the most wearisome part of teaching – interacting with the students (although there’s still work to be done in grading, lesson prep, readying the room for the next day, etc.). With the pastorate, my friend explained, there are moments of crisis, but even in the lulls you are carrying people’s burdens. The bell never rings to indicate the end of the workday, and there is no summer break when you can catch your breath and prepare for the next season.

I didn’t understand him then, but after I became a pastor, I quickly came to see what he meant.
 
There were days, even whole weeks, when it seemed I couldn’t help but look at the world through dung-colored glasses. I remember that one day, as I was walking from my car to the church door, I had a brief conversation with God. I acknowledged the fact that I was in over my head, that the work I had been called to was simply too great for my capacity.

That’s when God’s Spirit reminded me of Paul’s observation that God’s grace is sufficient and that His power is “made perfect” in my weakness (II Cor. 12:9). God’s power in my life is consummated, brought to full strength, in my weakest moments.

Admitting what had been obvious for such a long time – that I simply wasn’t up to the task – was a kind of epiphany for me. I was surprised how freeing it was for me to realize that I don’t need to be paralyzed by my feelings of weakness; I can lean into that weakness and trust that God’s power flourishes in exact proportion to my deficits.

I’d love to say that I never felt overwhelmed and discouraged again, that from that moment on I had a new reflex, an instinctive response to those feelings, that I was never paralyzed by my feeling of being overwhelmed.

Sadly, though, I am forgetful. I need to remind myself of this again – and often: It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, because in the moment I am weakest, that’s when He is strongest.

Pray for your pastors. Theirs is a heavy load, and they bear it constantly.

And trust God to display His strength in your own life in your own moments of weakness.

Persevere.