In the Game of Life: Are you Trusting or Controlling?

By the time it was half-time I needed an aspirin, or a hammer. The opposing coach had been yelling at his team the entire game. Nothing bad, just constant instructions: “Pass!” “Cross!” “Move-up!” “You’re offsides!” “Look over there!” If this coach thought it, he yelled it, as loud as he could… and he had lots of thoughts.

I used to coach my daughter’s junior high rec soccer team. I don’t like soccer, but I love my daughter. One night while watching YouTube videos on how to coach junior high soccer, I came across a video called, “Five signs your kid has a bad coach.” Not wanting to be a bad coach, I clicked the video. “One sign that your kid has a bad coach is that the coach is constantly joysticking their players,” said the brilliant YouTube soccer man on the screen.

“Joysticking” happens when the coach gives a steady stream of specific instructions to players during the whole game: “Pass it here!” “Run there!” “Shoot it!” While the coach means well, the players don’t learn to find an open player to pass to—they learn to respond to their coaches yelling. They don’t grow more independent; they grow more dependent. What’s even worse, the coach grows frustrated in the need to keep yelling all season.

Why do coaches “joystick?” Fear of failure – maybe losing was a sin in their household. Fear of others – maybe they don’t want to be seen as losers. Or maybe they are trying to relive some of their own glory days.
 
Regardless, the goal of a good coach is not to control his or her players, but to develop them, and you can’t develop players if all you do is “joystick” them.

You know where I’m going with this. You might be a boss over people, a grandparent, a parent, an older sibling, an aunt or uncle, a spouse, or just a caring friend or mentor. But what ever position you hold we all can be guilty of “joysticking” the people in our lives by constant instruction, disapproving looks, grunts, or passive aggressive comments.

We think that controlling the behavior of those we love, especially in front of others, can bring some sort of relief that we are doing a good job and they are going to be ok, but we grow frustrated with the consequences.

Of course we mean well, but this type of constant control removes the opportunity for growth in those around us and ourselves. If we “joystick” people in our life they don’t learn to do things well, they learn to respond to our “joysticking.” They don’t need to remember, or learn from yesterday’s mistakes, because their boss, parent, mentor, friend, sibling, or spouse is going to jump in and prohibit that mistake from ever happening again.

The thing about “joysticking” is that it works, temporarily. The kid does pass the ball where they should, they do get back onsides… It also works temporarily in our relationships. The kid does sit up straight, the employee does get the work done the way you want it, etc.

If one “tell” of a good coach is that they don’t “joystick.” They are willing to suffer through poor play on the field making note of things to affirm in their players and areas to work on in practice. Then one “tell” of being a healthy person is that they don’t “joystick.” They are willing to joyfully suffer through poor play in the game of life at each stage making note of things to affirm in their superiors, peers, and inferiors, and areas they’d love to see the people in their life grow in.  

Of course, some things are so egregious that a coach must address it immediately, and the same is true in relationships as well, and each relationship comes with different roles and responsibilities. But if your days are filled with “joysticking” everyone else’s moves on the field of life, could it be that your aim in life is off?

If your days are filled with “yelling across” life’s proverbial field in your mind, or out loud, every time you see someone missing the obvious play right in front of him or her, you are going to end up exhausted, frustrated, and more dependent on yourself as the savior for those around you. The good things, and actions, you desire for the people around you are not bad, and it is good to want others to grow, but instead of focusing on winning, or on not losing, the game of life, recognize that God has called you to the task of loving.

So, what can you do?

Repent
“Joysticking” in coaching is annoying, but “Joysticking” in life is probably sin. If fear is our primary motivator for “joysticking” those around us then faith is not present, and anything not done by faith is sin. (Romans 14:23) At the root of “joysticking” is unbelief in a sovereign, loving and providential God. “Joysticking” comes from a heart that has somehow deceived itself into thinking that controlling the behavior of the people around me can satisfy me. Confess it to the Lord and turn from it. “God, I am so afraid. I am not trusting you with where my friend (or fill in the blank) is spiritually. I am trusting in myself. I don’t turn to you for wisdom, I am leaning on my own wisdom. Forgive me, Father. Search my heart and lead me in the way in which I should go.” If the Lord convicts you that you have been trying to control someone in your life, consider apologizing to them and see the fruit.

Recognize
There is a time for instruction in all our relationships. Paul writes to Timothy on how we are to treat one another given our generational differences: “Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.” (1 Timoth 5:1-2) To some we are coaches, and to others we are not. To some we are playing on the field of life as peers, and to others they are coaching us. Recognize that we all are going to fail, but our failures are used by God to develop us further. God will give us wisdom on when to instruct and when to watch and when to encourage. Instead of focusing on everyone’s behavior and mistakes, or potential mistakes, focus on affirming what they do well. Follow the 80:20 Rule: spend 80% celebrating what they do well, and 20% instruction/discipline/training/exhortation/admonition on areas you want to help them grow and develop. (Romans 12:10)
 
Rest
We are gospel people. Rest in the Gospel. Neither you, nor the people in your life, can bear the weight of you finding your joy in their performance. Our joy is found in the perfect performance of Jesus Christ on our behalf. We live from that joy we have in Him. Nothing else can compare to Jesus.

You are growing each week as God instructs and disciplines you, and He doesn’t do it by “joysticking” your every move. You have the Holy Spirit inside of you teaching you through God’s word, a church team around you, and you get to play without the pressure of finding your joy in the performance of those around you. God’s got this! He holds you and the people in your life in his hands. Being a follower of Jesus is the greatest role in the world, although you still will need aspirin at times. Get after it!

Adapted from an article originally written by Joey and published by Rooted Ministry HERE